Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
