I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
