I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
