You can't motorboat a personality
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
