Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
