I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
