sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
