A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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