wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
