My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
