Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
