seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
