Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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