Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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