I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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