I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
