We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
