wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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