tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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