How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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