I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
