i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
