In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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