I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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