Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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