Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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