I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
