Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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