You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
