i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
