I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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