Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
