i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
