thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
