I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
