I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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