I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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