we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
