if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
