apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
