I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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