Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
