haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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