He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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