just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
