I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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