why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
