what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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