I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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