Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
