According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
