i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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